Tired

I’m tired.. Tired of the million different medications I have to take. Tired of the doctors visits, the tests that never seem to end or bring any real answers. I’m tired of being sore and stiff, tired of being different, but most of all I’m tired of being tired. Tired of waking up and having no motivation to do anything, not because I don’t want to, but because I simply don’t have the energy. I’m tired of spending so much time asleep and mist of my waking hours wishing I was back in bed, only to get there and have that precious sleep be so elusive. I feel like Alice lost in wonderland unable to find my way back no matter how desperately I search, with each way I turn leading me farther away from home. I just want to be done with all of it.

At the moment I seem to be fluctuating between two mentalities. I either feel like I just need to stop everything, stop my medications, stop the millions of doctors visits, stop searching for the answers that might never be found. Or feeling anxious about any change, and wanting all my meds to stay the same because I can’t bare the thought of things getting as bad as they were.

So how have I dealt with this? By inviting in my good old friend avoidance. I’ve been putting off making doctors appointments, putting off tests, even putting off getting my refills. Last week was the first time pretty much ever that I ran out of a medication because I had just kept putting off getting the refill. But their is only so much avoidance one can do, and I think I’m reaching that point.

I just want to shed this weight that is autoimmune disease. Leave it in a corner and never look back. But it’s out of my control, like so many other things at the moment. I just have to work my way back to that place of acceptance, I just wish for once it was at the bottom of the hill rather than the top. I know I’ll get there and the view from the top will be all the better for it, as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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