So my second semester at university started this week, and to say I was less than excited for its commencement would be a huge understatement. I didn’t want to come back, I didn’t want to go to class, I didn’t want to get thrown back into the craziness. All I felt about coming back was dread. I couldn’t really even feel that excited about seeing my friends again, even though I missed them terribly. All that kept spinning round my head was how horrible I had felt last semester, how it had sapped all the energy that I had, how I felt like I had taken some giant leaps in the wrong direction. I kept having flash backs of all the times spent crying, just wishing that I could go home, that I could leave school, leave it all behind. Until reason set in and I could push (with much difficulty and probably even more tears) aside how awful I felt, how tired I was, and how this made me just want to give up; and see exactly what I would be giving up on. I would be giving up on something that I love, because I do love to learn, leaving my friends who no matter my mood never failed to make me laugh, and giving up on my dreams.
But even the thought of how much I love the place I am at school at, how amazing everyone here is could get me to feel anything but dread and pure fear. It couldn’t get me to stop thinking about the what ifs. What if I end up in the same place I was last semester, what if I ended up in a worse place, what if, what if, what if…
This was only made worse by the fact that having that much needed winter break had made me feel so much better, almost like a completely different person. I could function again, I wasn’t constantly being dragged down by deep, soul crushing fatigue. I wasn’t sick all the time. I wasn’t perfect (I might never be) but I was so much closer to it than I had been during that semester. And all I could think of was how hard it would be to lose that feeling again, to be thrown backwards.
So when the first day of class rolled around I was not in the best of moods, but after my first class I must say I was feeling a lot better, a lot more positive and excited and maybe even happy to be back. Three days in and I’m still feeling good and am so much more positive about the whole back to school thing. I am enjoying my classes, loving my professors, and sharing endless moments of laughter with my friends. Hopefully I will continue to move through the semester in this way, hopefully things will stay good. But if I don’t I just hope I see how much I love being here, and make sure that I enjoy the experience no matter what is happening to me health wise, because it truly is a magical place.