Letting go

I think I posted here a while ago that I had joined the dive team, because I had decided that while I was in a good place, joint wise, I should take advantage, and do the things that I had missed while my autoimmune arthritis was over active. One of the things that I had missed so much was exercise, all and any kind, but having done gymnastics for years, and diving for a little while, the dive team just seemed to call out to me. Beckoning me to come closer, to go for it, and take the leap (yes, pun intended).

But lately I’ve been struggling. I’ve had a hard time with my immune system due to all the immunosuppressive medications that I am on. I would say I’ve had between 8-10 viruses within the last couple of months. Which at first was alright, well, except the fact that I was sick all the time, but it felt like more of a nuisance than a big problem. But lately the viruses have been getting worse, sticking around longer, and worst of all triggering my autoimmune issues. I’ve been exhausted, my joints have been flaring on and off, and then on top of that I’ve still had to deal with having a virus. This has led to lots of missed classes, work that seems to endlessly need to be put off to tomorrow because I can’t manage to get it done, and missed dive practices. Every time I’ve felt better and up to trying to get back into the water again, the next virus seems to come along and knock me back off my feet. I’ve been trying really hard not to let this stop me from diving, from doing what I want to do, what I feel I should be able to do. I’ve been showing up to practices, and stretching and working out on the bikes when I can’t dive, and pushing myself to get back into the water as soon as I can, which perhaps has not been the best answer. But I wanted to keep diving so badly. Diving has made me feel really happy and fulfilled, it’s given me a reason to get up every morning and the team is so loving and supportive.

But at some point somethings got to give, at some point you have to let go. Let go… oh boy is it hard to let go. There have been many, many tears shed. Lots of anger, sadness, denial, and even feelings of failure in this decision. But at the end of the day it needed to be made, diving right now just isn’t the right thing for me, and no matter how many ways I look at it, I can’t change it. I just can’t, not with all the wishing in the world. So my coach and I have decided that it would be a good idea to take the rest of the year off diving, and return to it in my second year, if I think I feel up to it. In the mean time I’m going to work on getting this beast of an autoimmune disease back into control, and slowly building up my fitness and stamina, with the goal of returning to the team next year. I’m coming to accept this decision, and starting, piece by tiny piece, to let go.

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